The In-Between

It's been a while since I have written. I guess that's to be expected considering all I've been through. Basically I am currently finding myself in a state of "in-between." The time between the "ouch that really hurt" and the "oh I feel better." Because I can't say I feel better yet- not 100%. Perhaps I never will. But I suppose I am starting to heal. As test results roll in and my body begins to slowly recuperate from November, I can start to sit back and reflect on what's happened.

Did I ever think I would be here? Are you kidding me!?!?! No. Never would I have seen this as "my story." But it is. And I have to accept it. I have often wondered "why?" Actually "often" is an understatement. I ask myself "why" just about every second of every day. But I am slowly starting to answer it for myself. Why did it happen? Because for some reason out of my grasp, it was supposed to. Because when one door closes, another one opens. Because when you lay something at the feet of God, He responds with His plan. And it might not be in my power to know why I was never supposed to raise Quinn. I just wasn't.

At this point I am still dusting myself off. I am no longer on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, but I still have some dirt on my clothes from my fall and I am still trying to get back on my feet. And sometimes I can feel the wind get knocked out of me a little at a time, all over again. A confusing test result. A repeat surgery. The many people who post their baby happiness all over facebook, not realizing that there are people out there who have lost babies and cannot feel that joy. Because, yes, there's a part of me that's happy for those people but there's another part of me that wants to shake them and say, "do you know who you are hurting? do you know how much your post hurts?!?!?" (Besides the fact that NO ONE wants to see your bare baby bump on Facebook!!!- sorry, vent over).

The "in-between" time is the time I think I have done the most growing- the most soul searching. If I was fully recovered, what reason would I need to grow and try to reflect and be a better person? And if I continually wallowed in my pain and grief, where would I be? So, I guess I am comfortable here at this time. I take comfort in knowing that right now there's no pressure to make any moves...to make decisions or make sense of my life. I am just supposed to heal and take it slow...the pressure is off.

Another part of me hates the In-between time because I am that much farther from what I was trying to do to begin with- be a Mom, have a family. Give my husband a child. And each day in this In-Between time has different ups and downs...it's like a roller coaster. If the controller of the In-between time would just give me an Agenda so I knew where I was then I think it'd be easier...but instead I just have to ride all of these waves out.

But I am hopeful because I am starting to see the "exit" sign to the "I feel better" side. At least as better as I can possibly be after what's happened. I have to just trust that if it's meant to be, it will be.

And that's just....that.