Radio Silence

I've reached a point where I can't find anything else to say about what has happened. I find myself wanting to talk about it at moments, to perseverate or stew on the events and rehash everything but I soon discover that nothing I say...nothing I verbalize...will change anything. It sounds like this...

"I feel like...well...I don't know."
Someone else: "Go on. What do you feel?"
"Sometimes I think...but...I guess...never mind."

Every sentence ends in my mind with the following words now: "It's not going to change anything."

Most people know me as a talker. I have to talk everything out. Rehash every detail until my mind can somehow make sense of things, no matter how complex or out of my control. Over the past three weeks I have talked myself in circles in ebbs and flows of feelings.

I guess I have reached a point where I have nothing left to say. Nothing left to throw out there.

I have resigned myself and accepted defeat. Or call it acceptance...I don't know. And accepting these recent twist of events has been the most difficult part. I am not one that easily lies down. I am used to things going the way I planned and failure is not really a part of my normal operating procedure. Maybe this is why I have been so resistant to accepting that there's nothing left to say.

I keep telling myself that this is my story and I have to just accept it. There is nothing more I can say to change it, or to make sense of it because it DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. It's not going to. There is no logic in what has happened to Mondo and I. And I cannot control this event, no matter how hard I try.

And this silence makes me scared. Does this mean I have to move on? Does returning to normal life mean everyone will forget what happened and my pain inside will turn to bitterness and anger? If I stop talking about it, will it fester inside me? What will happen when my guard is down and I don't have the armor up around my heart?  And will my unanswered questions wait and lurk and haunt me in my attempt to move on?

At this point my life is like that awkward moment where you are listening to the car radio intently and suddenly the broadcast is cut off and there is nothing but radio silence. You wait...and wait and wait for the music to start again and in the mean time all you hear is the sound of static and the irritating sound of your turn signal clicking in the dashboard.