Someone Else's Words...

Sometimes I don't know what to write to "update" people on how I feel. So, on this occasion, I will let someone else's words do it for me, even if the situation isn't identical, the emotions are:

"It's hard to write about grief at four years out. Hard to know what to write here.

I want to tell you that you will never forget your baby.

I want to tell you that you will find a way to move on, grow about the pain.

I want to be the beacon of hope ahead of you, the woman with the life that has not collapsed around the dark matter of the dying star; that I was not sucked in and lost, heavy as the universe and destroyed in a hopeless inward swirling soup of moulten grief.

I want to tell you that you won't forget, that cosmic clutter and home grown atoms seared themselves into your soul and cannot be unwritten.

It feels wrong to write of present grief here. It feels wrong to write of recovery. It feels wrong to be either - healed or unhealed.

I missed my slot here last month. Almost missed it this month.

Grief hauled at me, made me unreliable. I chose to fail to prove that grief had me in its grip and prove that I had outrun it. But the truth is I couldn't feel it. I was numb. No words came. To write badly is the ultimate betrayal of my boy.

I'm held back and pushed forward by grief, by loss, by the bundle of boy in the paper flat pictures, the boy I grew quite perfectly who couldn't live without tube and wire.

You might imagine that pulled in all directions is unfathomable pain but it seems to bring nothing but inertia and dulled senses.

You don't need me, I told myself, because I am both then and now and neither is helpful. At four years out grief absorbed is of no more use than grief worn smeared upon my person and slathered, unwelcome, on every interaction.

Do you want to know that grief is just as painful 4 years on? Do you want to know that 4 years on I cry most often because his loss is so familiar that somedays I do not think of him at all?

Do you want to know you will forget? Do you want to know you never will?

That is my apology. Grief is endless and full of ends. Grief is circular, linear, long and short, impossible and easy, ever present and constantly receeding.

I'm sorry I wasn't here."

Quoted from http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2014/8/17/sorry.html

Balance

Wow it's been a MINUTE! I have been a very bad blog girl. But here I am, ready to post again. It took me a while to want to post. Last you heard from me I was still stuck in the "whirlwind." Well guess what? I was stupid to think that whirlwind would stop. Why did I think that eventually everything would return to "normal?" Apparently that's not how it works. Things are always changing and one is continually trying to adjust. There are good days and there are bad days but for the most part you start to accept that you are just along for the ride and you better buckle up.

So how would I go about trying to fill you all in on these past months (year?). It'd be impossible and tedious. So, I will sum things up with a theme of sorts that describes what my focus has been. BALANCE. I have spent these past long months trying to balance myself physically, emotionally and socially.

Let's start with the first- physically. Apparently I inherited some not-so-desirable genes from my rents. And those genes have gotten in the way of some goals of mine- namely motherhood. And in these past few months I have been on a fun adventure of trying to navigate said genetics- a nightmare scavenger hunt if you will. Once the culprits were properly identified I then had to figure out how to change my diet and lifestyle to counterbalance (there's that word again) those suckers. First it was surgery- but you knew about that. And not just once, mind you, but multiple surgeries over the course of two years that have left me with the knowledge that could rival even the best MDs out there. 6 total. Yeah, I am best friends with demerol and the surgery nurses at GBMC.

But then there was the wake up call in the form of my endocrine system. I won't bore you with details but let's just sum that up by saying my shizz is effffeeeedddd up. Basically I had to go to Nutrition boot camp where I learned that carbs are the enemy and exercise was my most lethal weapon. And I stepped up to the plate. For months I barely touched a carb. And it showed as I started to shrink. I liked this. Sure, I missed pizza and fries and even regular coffee creamer but my waist size was so much more rewarding. Then I was told I had to find BALANCE. yep, there it is again. I had to find a way to tango with carbs in a healthy way.

Oh and have I mentioned the medicine? I was on a new regimen that, on occasion, would rock my intestinal world. Plans canceled last minute, etc. The pills themselves smell horrible and I felt like my life was now ruled by oblong-shaped assholes.

So I worked closer and closer to that elusive concept- balance, with my diet and exercise. I also discovered the cathartic benefits of my new love, kickboxing. LOVE. And love what it did to my arms.

And just when I thought I was walking steadily on that tightrope, balanced perfectly, I was told I had lost too much weight. WHAT?!?!! For a woman in her thirties is that even possible!?!?! Apparently, yes, yes it is. Because once you lose too much weight your body thinks you are living in late 1990s Somalia and your body stops behaving as it should. It, ahem, stops functioning like a lady, if you're picking up what I'm putting down. The exact opposite of what I needed to happen. Well shit.

"You'll need to gain 5 to 7 pounds," I was told. Then we can go from there. What!??!! Right in the middle of August with a pool-party bachelorette looming in the not-too-far future? You be talking crazy, doc. But she was right, I was too thin and I needed to admit it.

So there was the conundrum. How do I gain 5 pounds without giving up kickboxing (will NOT do) and becoming a regular at Five Guys (tempting)? And gain it all while still on the meds (albeit half-dose) and finding that "balance" with carbs and sugar? UGH. This "balancing act" is harder than I thought.

Now you must be thinking, "hey Bethany, why don't you STFU? You have to gain weight? Boo hoo!" And you'd be warranted.

But you must understand what is riding on this elusive game of balance: my ability to become a Mom. This has been an uphill battle since 2012 and I have suffered many a battle wound to prove how sensitive the situation is. Multiple losses. Six surgeries. Medications, tears, inability to feel comfortable in social situations, grief, etc. And this might not even be the answer. I could easily finally find that place of physical balance and still, something ELSE could be wrong.

But I am not one to give up. No matter what it takes. And if balance is indeed the key to success, I will continue to try to find it, even if I moan and complain that whole time. Believe me, I am aware of the other good things in my life- but this complex situation is sometimes enough to knock the wind out of me. Out of anyone for that matter.

And that's just the physical side of it. I haven't even gone into the emotional and social balancing act I am also constantly participating in.

But this is my challenge and that's what I am dealing with. There are worse things, yes, but a girl's gotta vent. And the whole point was an update, yes?

So there ya have it folks. At least one part of it. And at least I am back, blogging. Let's see if I can now weave in the blogging with everything else I am currently balancing;)

Oh hello Bethany!

Newsflash: Sometimes I am caught off guard. I know, I know. This is hard to believe. Ms. To-Do List and day planner is usually prepared for anything. But alas, there are moments when I am unprepared…surprised even.

One of those moments came the other day in an otherwise ordinary moment. I was reading twitter and some generic handle tweeted the question, "Do you really know yourself???" The three question marks were obviously to instill a sense of urgency and maybe panic in readers who would otherwise skim right over the tweet. And it worked. When there are three question marks or explanation marks or even capital letters one pays attention. It's the Achilles heel of those who are well-educated.

And so there I was, caught off-guard by a moment of internal struggle. DID I really know myself? I tried to brush the uneasy feeling inside away and go about my day but I kept returning to that ominous tweet with it's trickster question marks and would feel unsettled. Feeling unsettled isn't an usual feeling for me but usually I'm not left reeling by a casual twitter feed look-see.

So I started thinking. All my life I have allowed myself to be defined by other things. What social group I belonged to, what sport I played, where I lived, etc. Somehow, along the way I had started confusing my identity with those things.

As I mentioned in previous posts, I had come to a juncture in my life where I had started not to "fit in" in the places I had normally found comfortable. It wasn't any one's fault, it just happened. I have been forced, over these past couple years, to redefine myself and latch onto things I had previously considered "secondary." By secondary I mean those things about yourself or your life that you take for granted or think, "yeah but that's just how it's always been." You don't really consider those traits or circumstances to be the things that make you, you. You don't think of those things when you fill out silly questionnaires about yourself or make a "short bio."

My short bios always consisted of those things that externally defined me. "Hi I'm Bethany and I play lacrosse and love my friends and family…" and then reel off my various accomplishments or hobbies. But as that tweet forced me to question, did that really describe ME? Do I truly KNOW myself?

A more true bio would be one where you bare your soul and reveal the things that drive you, hinder you and allow you to dust yourself off when you've fallen. But how do you put those abstract things into words? How can one describe oneself with integrity when those traits are intangible? What if you have instead become defined by the moments and events in your life that have forced you to look inward and reevaluate?

"Hi I'm Bethany and I thought I had it figured out but turns out I don't…and that's okay. Because now I know how strong I am. I smile at the inane, appreciate those who can be vulnerable and I like to connect to the different parts of myself to get me through the unpredictable."

Let's be honest if you read the above on a profile about me you'd peg me as "one of those weirdos," right? But isn't the above truly more descriptive of who we are than the traditional listing of one's hobbies and accomplishments? Yes, you may be an executive at a large firm but who the hell ARE you?

Needless to say when I am confronted with the question, with multiple question marks trailing behind it, asking me if I know who I am, the unsettling feeling comes from the fact that I am torn- do I continue to describe and define myself by the tangible or the truly influential and defining intangible parts about myself that have started to become primary and no longer secondary in my life?

And does it even matter? It seems to me that digging deeper was what I was meant to do all along. So, the answer to that jarring tweet is yes, I know myself. I just can't DESCRIBE myself.

And there is a joy in realizing that you do, indeed, know yourself and that you like what you find. For the first time I am able to celebrate the "me" that doesn't look good on paper and cherish the parts of myself that can't be easily described in social media or a work seminar designed to "get to know one another."

For the first time I am able to say hello to myself genuinely. Say hello to ME and not my bio on paper. And that's something to celebrate.

Now for that twitter handle whose name I have now forgotten, I'd like to offer a "thank you." Thank you for asking the question that made me realize that I am not what I can put on paper (or the web). Mysterious-twitter-handle-I-have-now-forgotten, you must be some kind of philosophical genius. Keep the tweets coming! ;)