Spring's Coming...PANIC

We all have times when we are feeling somewhat lazy. We forgive ourselves for skipping a workout (or two...or like 18...) and we indulge in some good food. We tell ourselves "we deserve it" or "we need a break," or "we need to decompress."

These are the times when we find our ass seems to grow wide and flat- resembling a couch cushion and stuff that resembles cottage cheese begins to form on every corner of our bodies.

It's easy to come up with excuses. The cold weather. Your "hormones." A slight and fleeting pain in your finger. Your dog threw up. You could catch a cold from removing the blanket you've draped over yourself on the couch. Whatever.

But then the sun peeks out and you open your day planner and realize that bathing suit season is like weeks away and you start to panic.

You run upstairs and look in the mirror and realize the body you worked so hard for and were so proud of last summer is...gone. Vanished under a layer of digested french fries and couch-sitting. There's no way around it and no tankini you find on Pinterest is going to hide it.

So you start to make a mental plan. The diet. The workouts. The early morning jogs. You think, "it's only March, I can TOTALLY shed these pounds before May. No prob."

Then you relax and...sit back down on the couch. Eat a french fry. And think about how great your plan is. You even set a reminder in your phone that reads "Hey fatty! Go work out!" You hope it will work.

And until May arrives bringing bbqs and pool parties and SHORTS...you'll try. And try and try. And maybe, just maybe, pull off a miracle.

Did I mention you can kiss my sweet white ass?

I'm feeling bitter. And annoyed. And depressed. And frankly, I don't want to hear it from those who tell me to keep my chin up. I am sick of keeping my chin up. If I want to pout and scream and throw things then I am going to pout and scream and throw things. If you don't like it, come at me bro. Walk in my shoes for one day and see if you don't also want to yell and scream and throw things.

Bad news on Friday. Really it's just more of the same. I should be used to this. I should be a god damn professional at this.

Yeah yeah yeah I know. I "have lots of blessings" and I "should be grateful" and all that feel good nonsense. Well I KNOW. I KNOW I should be all of those things but can we just drop the pretense for two effing seconds and be REAL here?

I'm exhausted! I'm tired of the bullshit and I am tired of everyone pretending all the time. Just drop the show and be authentic and raw for two seconds. Please.

This is getting old!

Does this post have a point?!?!?! NO!

Rant over.

The "Icks"

A good old fashioned case of "the Icks." We all know what I am talking about. It's that winter feeling you get when the days are all running together as a mass of grey and your house is starting to feel like a prison. Every time you glance outside you wonder how on earth any wildlife survives this time of year. You feel unmotivated, kinda slow, and realize you are in a form of human-hibernation. Your skin is a nice shade of pasty and everything is starting to have that grey hue that comes from too much salt on the roads. Physiologically you start to feel like getting out of bed is truly an unnatural feeling and every time you glance at the calendar and see the seemingly endless days of January, February and March trudge by you want to hit the "snooze" button of life.

Those are "the Icks." And we have them. All of us. I haven't seen one person around who doesn't have a look of desperation on their faces for anything that might even hint at the end of winter. People are are downright pissed that it's March and white stuff is still falling from the sky. Sure, we will take a March snowstorm, but usually it's accompanied by a couple days here or there of temps above at LEAST 45 degrees. Instead we've had nothing but sub zero temps and dreary skies. 

I think I speak for all of us when I say I've had enough of "the Icks," and it's about time winter got voted off the island.

A Funny Thing Happened While Browsing BlogHer

Hello everyone!

So I am a frequent visitor of a site called BlogHer where many female bloggers share their posts and thoughts in an online community. I learned about it from my Blogging Fairy Godsister/Mentor, Miss Ali Arnone (http://alia15.tumblr.com). She has been featured on their front page before and both of us have submitted posts that can be read on BlogHer.

Anyhoot, this morning, on this glorious and unexpected snow day from work, I stumbled upon a post that truly goes hand in hand with the message I was trying to convey in Miscarriage McGhee.

Check it out if you care to learn more about the intricate complexities of dealing with the social sphere while dealing with miscarriage/infertility:

http://www.singleinfertilefemale.com/2013/01/touche/

Pretty amazing and insightful.

Happy Snow Day!

-PeckingHen

Miscarriage McGhee

So I'm going to be brave here and broach a subject that most people won't even discuss in public. But because I played out the pity party in previous blog posts (can we erase 2012?) I am going to tackle this sensitive topic with humor. If you can't laugh at life, "you're gonna have a bad time."

As most of you already know, I had a very public later-term miscarriage in 2012. We had already announced that we were expecting to family and friends and already had done that cliched (God I hate myself now for doing this and if you haven't done this yet PLEASE don't do it) Facebook announcement.

(Lemme go off on a little rant here....Facebook is just about the worst thing on the planet right now. It tops all the other bad things like global warming and corrupt politicians and polar vortexes). No one actually feels good about themselves when they scroll through Facebook anymore, do they? It's like confidence-suicide. If you are even THINKING about quitting Facebook, DO IT and if you aren't and love it you're probably the reason it sucks.

okay...done now).

And then things went downhill...quickly. I will skip over those details not because they didn't IRREVOCABLY CHANGE MY LIFE but because they can be rather morose and downtrodden.

Needless to say, because this loss was so public (thanks again Facebook [shoots self in foot]) I then became what I lovingly call "Miscarriage McGhee." A lot of this was my own doing. I went through a public grieving period, got all up in my feelings in my blog and on social media and then promptly vanished from the social scene. Everywhere I looked was reminders of my pain and failure and so it was just much easier to hide myself away in my house. Cue the depression infomercial.

Being the new poster-child for "that-which-shall-not-be-named," aka miscarriage was a whole new role on my resume. Guys....it's weird. No one knows how to act around you and you don't know how to act around others. ESPECIALLY when others are pregnant/getting pregnant/want to get pregnant and you're having more miscarriages.

It's nobody's fault and yet...it's awkward. You can't help it, they can't help it. And the whole time you talk about meaningless crap like what kind of lipgloss you like and really, what you want to do is just broach the subject but no one can. So you end up saying stupid things and underneath it all both of you are thinking about the elephant in the room.

And, like, sometimes people say and do stuff that is usually totally normal but to Miscarriage McGhee it's the most traumatizing, anxiety-inducing, panic-laden moment in the world. Here are a couple things that have made Miscarriage McGhee want to throw things:

1. Sudden, without fair warning or empathetic-courtesy, public pregnancy celebrations.

Whoa. Guys. I will speak for all the Miscarriage McGhees out there. THIS.IS.NEVER.COOL. Just a heads up that those who have suffered miscarriages have a REALLY hard time dealing with those sudden, over-the-top "We're Pregnant!" moments. A REALLY hard time. Especially when you whip out those sonogram pics and double-lined pregnancy tests. Those remind us of our sonograms that we had to hide away, never to look at again. It's painful. Not because we are jealous (although it's hard not to be jealous that your body apparently WORKS PROPERLY and ours doesn't) but because we are brought back to a place where we are reminded, in a blunt-force-trauma kind of way, that we failed. And that we had the moment you are so drunkenly reveling in but that it crashed and burned in a fiery explosion of SUCK.

So, please, if you're one of those magical-fairy-pregnancy-people, have a little heart and go easy on the Miscarriage McGhees out there. Give them fair warning, in a calm and peaceful way, beforehand, that you're about to drop your baby bomb on the world. Let them chew it and digest it and if they need to, go throw up their lunch in a bathroom before the big moment. Being prepared and putting on their emotional body-armour is tantamount to storming the beaches of baby-announcement Normandy. They'll actually thank you for it (while secretly hating you for about 3 to 5 days and then it wears off).

2. Baby Showers.

Yeah. About those.... they're never actually fun for anyone, no? The pregnant woman hates them because she hates the attention, the guests, even ones that HAVEN'T had trouble with pregnancy, are bored and the baby can't even see the gifts their getting- they're in a womb with no windows.

However, baby showers are even worse for Miscarriage McGhees. Not for the reason you'd expect either. Sure, you'd expect Miscarriage McGhees to be wearing a lovely shade of green (for envy, get it?) while there, jealous and sick over the fact that they aren't the ones having a baby.

Wrong.

Miscarriage McGhees hate baby showers because naturally, at baby showers, people look at Miscarriage Mcghee with pity. And that makes Miscarraige McGhee feel stupid. And dumb. And then, pissed off. Oh those people will ACT like they're not doing it, but alas, they are. It's only natural. When they think they are practicing their best "I am just nonchalantly chatting with this infertile Myrtle about how Miss. About-to-Pop is glowing" face they are actually showing their best "No, I'm completely unaware and oblivious that this is awkward for you and by the way I  feel soooooo bad for you," face. We're not dummies. We can see it. It's not unlike this:

And while we appreciate the concern, at this point we feel pretty damn stupid and go straight to the hopefully-alcoholic beverages.

3. When people give advice to Miscarriage McGhee

Look, there really isn't anything you can say or do to make us feel better. We may claim there is, and God knows those annoying pamphlets and advice columns will tell you there is, but really...really...there's not. Each and every Miscarriage McGhee has their own unique story, their own unique "what's wrong," and their own unique way of dealing with it. They never know if they'll have kids or be a Mom and that sucks. So stop pretending it doesn't. And to those of you who have already figured this out and were just THERE for them instead of saying stupid, careless shit, kudos. You da real MVP.

Things not to say to Miscarriage McGhees:

"My [insert sister/aunt/mom/cousin/godmother/whateverthefuck] had 16 miscarriages but then she had a beautiful baby!" (Are you effing kidding me?!?! Is that supposed to make us feel better?!?!?!?)

"Don't you think it could be worse?" (This was actually said to me once. Yes. Yes, it could be worse. I could have ebola. There could be a tsunami barreling down the street. But no, no, right now, this hurts and it sucks and thanks for reminding me that things COULD ACTUALLY get worse)

"Don't worry, it can't happen again, you're due for a win." (Ha! Oh you sweet naive thing, you. You still have faith and hope. I remember those days when I still had hope. Don't ever change dearie.)

"What you should do/take/drink/eat is....." (Um no. Just no. If it were that simple I would've had a baby like yesterday. If you'll excuse me I need to leave before I commit murder.)


The list could go on and on but those are the gold-stars of what-to-avoid-saying around Miscarriage McGhees unless you want this face:

4. When entire meal conversations center around your babies sleep schedules/feeding habits/annoyingly cute habits/etc.

Look, we aren't going to delude ourselves into thinking that at every moment of every day people are thinking "how can I avoid upsetting Miscarriage McGhee?" But when it's been a solid HALF HOUR and you're still discussing what kind of sippy cup is best over Sunday brunch with the girls, Miscarriage McGhee will start to get annoyed. In fact, so will Single Sally and Divorced Donna. Not everyone's got a baby/husband/family/house like you do and frankly, it's bad manners when you are unaware of your audience, even if they are the minority. That's like a bunch of girls sitting around during a birthday dinner discussing how wonderful their Dads are and you've recently lost yours. Or talking about how healthy you feel when someone at the table has just found out they have cancer. Be aware, people. Be courteous. Need I even mention that sippy cups and sleep schedules are not rousing dinner conversation? Pull your head out of your baby's diaper for God's sake! (Just kidding...not really).


Being a Miscarriage McGhee isn't easy for all the obvious reasons but what people don't realize is the toll it takes on her social life and interactions. And all we're asking for is a little empathy and awareness.

So if you've somehow found yourself the Poster Child for anything...whether it's the Token Single Friend or Divorced Donna, you're not alone. There's a whole world of awkward, hard-to-navigate-social-interaction people out there just like you. Take it from a Miscarriage McGhee... it gets better.
Speak up and stand tall. At least you don't have ebola, right?

*** DISCLAIMER: This post is in NO WAY intended to make anyone feel guilty. I love all of you and your babies! This is just a vent and will hopefully make someone else out there feel a little better in the wake of a bad time or event. Keep celebrating your babies! They are worth celebrating a million times over and so are you! Hopefully I can celebrate one day too! But a little honesty about a tough situation is def helpful for someone out there going through this. Ummmkayyyyyy? ;)

The Hope Drug...Revisited

Almost two years ago I was in a pretty shitty place. I had just been *falsely* diagnosed with a horrible syndrome that pretty much devastated me. I was told that I would have to undergo multiple surgeries to address this issue. And although I have had multiple surgeries over the past three years (6 total), they were not for this false diagnosis. So imagine thinking I would have more surgery on top of the surgery I had already had. And imagine having already survived the death of a child (one that I held in my hands) and multiple painful "almosts." You'd be in a pretty shitty place too, no?

And yet, when I got even the slightest bit of good news, I had hope. Hope. That instinctual human romance with the "what could be."

And I remember writing this, on my parent's back porch on a summer night in 2013...

Hope. It's a very powerful thing. And one that I have had a love/hate relationship with over this past year. In the past hope was something ever-present. Something that waited beneath the surface and could be summoned at will.

After this past year I relegated hope to a different place- a deep, dark, tucked-away place. Because it was dangerous. This past year hope has been a drug with a deadly hangover. Hope was something that I  welcomed like an old friend but later banished like the deceiver it turned out to be. Hope was lethal and highly potent.

In recent months hope brought with it an aftertaste of grief, or fear, of anxiety. With hope came disappointment and heartbreak.

So now, as it surfaces again, I am wary of it.

Recently I received news that was, dare I say it, hopeful. With each word muttered another piece of that old friend hope began to sneak back into my heart, even as I resisted. Even now, as I acknowledge it's presence, I am hesitant and scared. Will it come back to bite me in the end? To allow myself to partake in the elixir of hope? Will I ultimately hate myself for it, regret it, beat myself up for "not learning my lesson?"

I don't know. But it's there...I can't deny that I have at least allowed it to sneak a ray of sunshine back into my heart. The iron door is cracked just a little and instead of straining to shut it immediately I am letting it hang open just the slightest...

Allowing myself to have some hope is like standing on a big cliff. A cliff I know well and have fallen off of before. Like a kid whose mother has repeatedly warned them to back away from that cliff, that it's too dangerous, it's too tempting. I want to see what's below, even for one fleeting instance. To remember what it's like to see possibility again. So I tempt the cliff like that mischievous child, even if I know I can fall.

If I fall I can heal the broken bones later. And I will curse myself for standing near the hope cliff once again, leaving myself vulnerable to the fall. But for now, just to look over and see the possibilities below is a temptation I cannot resist.

I had forgotten what a powerful drug hope can be. If it turns out that it was a bad trip, I can, in the words of a former President, tell myself "I didn't inhale."

Here I am, almost two years later. The good "news" I had received was that I did not actually have the horrible diagnosis that they told me I had. Instead I had something else, something more manageable. And then when that was fixed, I had something else, and the list goes on. Someday I hope to be brave enough to write the words out loud... the full story...the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. For now I just can't yet. I'm still "in" it. And maybe, someday, when I'm on the other side of all this, I can let it all go...

And so now I sit, a February evening in 2015, and I am the healthiest I have ever been...physically, mentally and emotionally. I have climbed the health hurdles, albeit six surgeries and a lifestyle change later, and I am finally ready to....hope....again.

Hope. I have felt it creep up for a while. I was like an aspiring fighter who had a taste of victory, choked at the worst time and then trained, slowly, for years, to get back into fighting shape. I'm Rocky at the top of the stairs in Philadelphia. And so there's reason to....hope.

But like I knew back in June 2013, Hope is a fickle lover. A dangerous game.

Yes, I am strong enough to hope. I can allow myself because after all of this, after falling and falling and falling, I know I can pick myself back up. That, I know.

And maybe the victory isn't in winning, in crossing that proverbial finish line. Maybe, just maybe, it's in the "getting back up" instead.

Maybe the formula isn't all hope. Maybe it's a little bit of hope...and a whole lotta courage. Maybe this time I'll "inhale." Even if I cough on Hope's harsh burn, ultimately, I'll still be able to breathe.


And now for a little humor...me...on dope, I mean, "Hope:"

Fact or Fiction: Middle-Schooler Addition

Most of you know I teach Middle School. 8th grade to be exact. And when I tell people that I usually get this face:

People act like I am volunteering at an Ebola Center in West Africa. Honestly. 

And it's true, Middle-schoolers, 8th graders to be exact, are a strange species. It takes a certain individual to not only educate these foreign beings but to actually like them. People cringe when they think of that age-group for various reasons, hormones being one of them, but I am also a strange being and so for some reason I "get" them. 

So, being an expert on all things "8th grader," let me dispel or confirm a couple stereotypes about Middle-Schoolers that exist out there to generate the above reaction.

1. They smell. Bad. Often of baked hormones mixed with B.O.

This is true. Fact. 

Middle Schoolers are dealing with a lot of "changes." Yes, we are speaking of the puberty kind. And many middle-schoolers become so used to their special "scent" that they are unaware of it. This is where deodorant comes in. Or not. Some kids have been wearing obnoxiously pungent deodorant since 4th or 5th grade because they want to smell nice for "the ladies." Yes, I am speaking of the males of this phylum. But some of them seem to conveniently forget about antiperspirant after gym class. This is bad. VERY bad. 

I have had many an afternoon class that contains said-males after gym class. For the love of all things holy and sacred it's bad. Bad enough that I have kept male deodorant in my drawers to secretly "hand off" to these poor souls. Wait...I'M the poor soul that has to smell this unique hormones-mixed-with-puberty-sweat, but I guess that's part of the job.

Nonetheless, it is important for every Middle School teacher to keep lysol spray close by for situations like these. Especially those where you have 14 year olds who either resemble a 10 year old because they haven't hit "the change" yet and don't even bathe unless their Mom tells them to, or you have 14 year olds who look like Lebron James just walked into your classroom and have looked this way since they were 7. You have to be prepared for everything.

2. They are "too cool" to listen to a teacher.

False. Myth.

Middle-Schoolers, even the ones that look like Lebron James, are actually insecure weirdos that are easily outwitted. And even when they throw curse words at you like they are Omar on the Wire or an aspiring cast member of "The Bad Girls Club," they also have no idea who they are yet and mostly just want people to like them.

In this case you have two options- either kill them with kindness or treat them like the babies they actually are inside that big bad Jordans-wearing body. 

You see, most Middle Schoolers who act "too cool" are weirded out by nice adults. When I smile and laugh at them when they tell me "no," I usually get this face:

It is the best adolescent-disarmament known to man. Throws em off real good. Then they will shut up and maybe even...learn. 

But sometimes you have to pull out the big guns and meet them at their level. These "I'm too cool to deal with you" kids need a little alpha-female in their life. And so that's when I give it to them. 

Usually they are pretty surprised that little Mrs. Cunha has this side to her. But let's be honest, you've all seen me pissed off.

3. They don't like to show affection.

FALSE.

This is where I tell you about the middle-school "side hug." The most annoying, awkward, yet endearing ritual that this tribe practices.

It begins with the movement that they want to hug you. As an adult, first you are repulsed. You then go through a quick survey in your mind: does this student shower? What is the intent of this "hug?" Do I get paid enough for this?

Then you allow it...because let's be honest, it's hard to stop a moving train and when middle-schoolers want a hug, they WANT A HUG. 

And so you open your arms to receive said hug. But you are confused. The middle-schooler is turning his or her body slightly and only offering one arm. They then take said arm and put it over one of yours and awkwardly squeeze. This is the side hug. It's weird.

They all do it. To each other, to teachers, to strangers, etc. One perk is that you don't have to get too close and risk exposing yourself to odors or even ebola. But the downside is you look like an idiot and then start feeling ashamed that you have adopted and acquiesced to this strange adolescent custom. 

It feels like a violation. A side-hug rape, if you will. You want to take a shower immediately and go so something really adult-like like balance your checkbook to assure yourself that you are still an adult and not "one of them."

4. They're weird and not likable.

False. 

Believe it or not, even in the "bad" middle schools, there are some really great kids. Kids who listen, show appreciation and respect and are actually insightful human beings. They can be funny, entertaining and witty.

When you come across one of the species who demonstrates these qualities it feels like this:

And those kids make it worth it. The rest can be handled with a little TLC. And by TLC I mean lysol and a little alpha-female.