Yes, it sounds like a cliched Demi Lovato song. But it's something I have kept repeating to myself a lot lately, mostly in fits of undeserved self-analysis and self-reflection. Basically, several times during the day, if I'm idle or alone, I start to beat myself up. It starts innocently. I will begin with benign pinches or kicks- I ate too much for lunch or I should've taken more time on my hair...then the innocent jabbing spirals into a full-blown, all-out assault on my entire being- I am a bad person, I'm lazy, I am wasting my life...blah blah blah. Needless to say, by the end I am not only battered and bruised but I have crushed my self-esteem into the equivalent of lifeless roadkill. I'm not sure when I started doing this. I don;t remember doing it in high school and I think I was too busy or drunk in college to realize it if I did it then. But it's turned into a destructive adult past time that I do NOT hold dear.
Recently it's reached an all-time high in terms of frequency and intensity. It's not cool and it serves no purpose. All this I know logically but nevertheless I find myself in the middle of an all-out assault on myself pretty much daily. And it's got to stop. I blame half of it on the fact that I have almost instantaneous access to everyone else's lives thanks to facebook and my ability to easily compare and contrast my life with others is at my fingertips. Need to see how you fare socially, economically and physically with your peers? Simply open up your Facebook app on your Iphone or Droid and BAM, you can instantly see the sometimes shameless self-promotion of your peers right on your couch or in your car. Look at me, my life is perfect- each post says- because naturally, we only post things we are proud of. On facebook it isn't often that you encounter brave souls who selflessly promote their insecurities and foibles. We don't see people broadcasting that they fear for their jobs or that they are in an unhappy marriage...that they don't like the way they look or that they wish they had more money. Instead we see only the things people want us to see- which doesn't ever tell us the whole story.
So, you can see how seeing "perfect people" everyday on facebook can lead to self-comparison and ultimately destructive analysis of my own self. Not that facebook is completely to blame, but it certainly adds fuel to the fire. I once heard someone say that it's impossible to enjoy your own meal when you are constantly looking at what's on everyone else's plate. And that resonated with me. However, I still can;t stop myself when I open my Iphone and see the Facebook app. It's like an addiction that I can't quit!
So, although I've made an effort lately to stop facebook lurking, I decided it was time to build my defenses when my dark side decides it's time for a little Bethany-ass-kicking. Just like the lame Demi Lovato song croons, it is time to "give my heart a break." (Lame, I know, but true.) I need to stop focusing on all the bad things that are either hallucinated or reality, and instead build myself back up. Just like Rocky did in all those movies Mondo loves so much, I need to train to fight the mean Russian-bethany that wants to pummel my self-esteem to pieces.
I decided when I do face that opponent in the ring I will fight back. With each blow to my self-esteem or confidence, I will make a conscious effort to swing back with something good about myself. Yes, I may need to get my arms in better shape like that person I saw on facebook but I am a damn good friend and I wrote such a nice letter to someone just yesterday. I may have gossiped too much at work last week but I am damn proud that I went to bat for that kid who has it hard at home. My house may not be spick and span but it's filled with love everyday. I may not be able to afford that dress I saw online but I shared a good laugh with my sister over the phone and those are the moments that count.
Each swing at the punching bag of my heart can be countered with a little TLC. It's about damn time I started remembering the good things about my life and myself or I will waste away into a miserable, hideous creature- and God knows there are enough people like that in the world. It's time I started giving myself a break and counting my blessings.
If you hear me humming lame Demi Lovato songs (inevitably off-key), you'll know why...it's time I "gave my heart a break."
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