The Hope Drug

Hope. It's a very powerful thing. And one that I have had a love/hate relationship with over this past year. In the past hope was something ever-present. Something that waited beneath the surface and could be summoned at will.

After this past year I relegated hope to a different place- a deep, dark, tucked-away place. Because it was dangerous. This past year hope has been a drug with a deadly hangover. Hope was something that I  welcomed like an old friend but later banished like the deceiver it turned out to be. Hope was lethal and highly potent.

In recent months hope brought with it an aftertaste of grief, or fear, of anxiety. With hope came disappointment and heartbreak.

So now, as it surfaces again, I am wary of it.

Recently I received news that was, dare I say it, hopeful. With each word muttered another piece of that old friend hope began to sneak back into my heart, even as I resisted. Even now, as I acknowledge it's presence, I am hesitant and scared. Will it come back to bite me in the end? To allow myself to partake in the elixir of hope? Will I ultimately hate myself for it, regret it, beat myself up for "not learning my lesson?"

I don't know. But it's there...I can't deny that I have at least allowed it to sneak a ray of sunshine back into my heart. The iron door is cracked just a little and instead of straining to shut it immediately I am letting it hang open just the slightest...

Allowing myself to have some hope is like standing on a big cliff. A cliff I know well and have fallen off of before. Like a kid whose mother has repeatedly warned them to back away from that cliff, that it's too dangerous, it's too tempting. I want to see what's below, even for one fleeting instance. To remember what it's like to see possibility again. So I tempt the cliff like that mischievous child, even if I know I can fall.

If I fall I can heal the broken bones later. And I will curse myself for standing near the hope cliff once again, leaving myself vulnerable to the fall. But for now, just to look over and see the possibilities below is a temptation I cannot resist.

I had forgotten what a powerful drug hope can be. If it turns out that it was a bad trip, I can, in the words of a former President, tell myself "I didn't inhale."