Let me begin by saying that NO, I am not running a marathon in the literal sense. Those that know me know that I am allergic to long distance running. But I am facing a challenge equally if not more daunting.
Okay so how to be socially tactful about this... How to communicate the news I got without actually revealing too much...
Well, I got some VERY disheartening news the other day in the form of test results. Disheartening is probably not a proper word to describe the news...I got news that basically said my plans for my future will range from somewhat challenging to perhaps impossible. That's a big range but that's where I'm at. Potential surgeries, treatments, the whole works.
I am trying to be lighthearted in my description or you, as the reader, would think I was throwing myself a pity party. Well, I have been but I won't do it here. The fact is this news warrants a good pity party, a complete meltdown if you want the truth, but at this point my whole point of writing this is to express my pure confusion and panic in this situation.
Once again I find myself in a situation where there is no script. By now, you've probably determined that I have a big issue with that. Not just a big issue, a complete complex. If there's no "script" to follow, I start to resemble a dancing circus bear- rotating on a podium in a tutu repeatedly. Wait, what?...
What I mean is, I start to ruminate and fixate on my issues, having no real direction, until I have "flow-mapped" every possible scenario in a fruitless attempt to control it.
And at this point I am still in the tutu. No matter how many flow-map scenarios I come up with I am still left in such an ambiguous and scary situation. I am so uncomfortable with the "unknown" that it makes my already dire situation that much worse. And all my hypothetical analysis has led me to what my friend (hey Louisa) termed "Catastrophic Thinking."
Defined, "catastrophic thinking" is where you take a situation and immediately revert to the "worst case scenario" and determine that it is already in the works. It is the most pessimistic, negative thinking a person can do, and I have been in the thick of it for 3 days. I have already prepared myself for the "let's face it it could happen" result of me being a childless, divorced cat lady living in a card board box down by the river. My only solace is that I would still have my kindle- I can't survive without my kindle.
And like I said, it could happen. But there are other things that could happen too- a comet could hit the earth and destroy Baltimore. I could contract SARS and have to be quarantined in a government hospital. The government could outlaw Outback cheese fries- they're that good. And while all of these situations are examples of inane and ridiculous, or rather, unlikely, situations, my predicament is indeed "bad enough" to warrant ridiculous thinking. What I mean is, my "worst-case scenario" has a better chance of happening than those above.
I used this when trying to defend my ruminations and pity-parties. I was then told that I was making the "in-between" period that much worse by negative thoughts. That I was acting like they were already written in the books, when they weren't. That although, yes, I have had horrible luck so far, it didn't mean for sure it would continue....
Touche...
I am basically at a point where I need to re-train my brain away from the "worst-case scenario." I guess I feel like if I prepare myself for the worst, it won't hurt as much if it happens. There is a part of me that sees value to that. However, I then realize that when the worst-case scenarios did happen in my life, they hurt just as bad. No amount of preparation can ease the pain of life's punches. Building a bunker in my basement full of "end-of-the-world" supplies would not ease the disappointment that the world actually ended, so what was I doing?
I see the error of my ways but it doesn't make it any easier to stop myself when I allow my mind to torture me. I have to remind myself that it isn't often that a person gets news of this nature and that I am warranted worry and grief. I just need to be aware of the damage I am doing to my psyche and my spirit while I wait for events to unfold.
Many people say to "trust God" that things will work out as they are supposed to. And I am trying. It is harder when God's plans don't fall in my "flow map." And I know I shouldn't expect them to. God knows I have heard of many people" having it harder" than I currently do. But heartache is heartache, no matter the circumstances.
I need to prepare my heart for a long haul and build myself up to be ready for what will unfold. It is hard when you think you have reached the last mile of the race and realize you have many, many more still to run. The times when all the stereotypical coaches out there would tell me to "dig deep." Never has that advice meant more. I will have to dig very deeply here. My legs and lungs may be tired from the race so far but if I plan to cross the finish line I need to dig deeper to find my wind to make it. And while I do that I have to realize that the catastrophic thinking I tend to do is only hindering my stride.
At this point I just have to hope that instead of 25 more miles to go in this marathon, I only have a couple more...I can't think of the finish line until I see it. In the meantime I just need to focus on my breathing, my stride and making it that next quarter mile...
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