"GPS Recalculating..."

I've always prided myself on the ability to "know what to do." Often I rely on a gut feeling to guide my "next move," you know, one of those feelings that grabs ahold of your stomach and propels you to move in one direction or another. Sometimes I consult others, talking myself in circles until the other person suggests a plan that resonates with me. Either way I have a direction to take- a next move on the mapquest print-out of life.

My experience reacting to life's twists and turns has usually been pretty spot on. Rarely have I chosen a "wrong turn" that I couldn't quickly amend- although my GPS has "recalculated" before, I haven't ended up somewhere I regretted. Overall my reactions and choices have been good ones.

Perhaps this is why I have deluded myself into thinking that I can control my path in life. So accurate has my sense of direction been that I have mistakenly thought that I can control my future. That there's no need to rely on the Universe to steer me- the proverbial "Jesus, take the wheel!" has never been on my radar. Sure, there have been times when I've thrown up my hands and said, "whatever will be will be," and there's certainly been times when I have given up control, plopped myself on the floor and accepted defeat...however there has always been the underlying feeling that my actions do, indeed, affect my "fate," and that I can still, in some sick way, control it.


Recently, however, something happened that was not on the map. A bump in the road so unexpected it completely threw off my sense of direction. As I reeled from it...let it play out in my thoughts over and over again, I could not control it. I tried...tried to recap my thoughts and determine the moment I made it happen...the moment I decided it was on the itinerary...but I couldn't. For once, I had to admit, I could not control it. It had been completely out of my hands...and this was perhaps the most disturbing and jarring moment.

Control has always been my safe zone. I don't do well with gray area- things are either black or white- this way I know what to expect- can add color as I see fit. I am not comfortable with spontaneous plans, trips...feelings. If I am prepared for it, it cannot hurt me.

Perhaps this event was supposed to be a "teachable moment" for me. An opportunity to help me realize that life cannot be "controlled" and I am certainly not the one in charge. I don't know how I feel about this. After all, we grew up thinking that "man controls his fate." I guess that control, like everything else, has it's limits.

Perhaps the event was a result of karma. I haven't been the most positive person recently. I have spent most of the last year projecting negativity...a result of stress and loss of perspective. If what happened is my karma, then I accept it. I do resolve to project into the world what I hope to be projected back at me.

I suppose I can rationalize and analyze the event til the cows come home, but isn't that just another attempt at controlling it? Can I not just accept that it happened and move forward?

I recently said to my husband that I feel like I am so busy controlling and rationalizing everything that I have lost the joy in my life...forgotten who I am deep down inside. Lost the joy and the laughter. I must admit, it sure feels that way.

When I was little my father called me a "Pecking Hen." I was always so busy peck-peck-pecking at everything. Perhaps this event was a reminder that if I peck too much at life, I will miss out on the joy of the unpredictability of it. No matter how much you peck at the world around you, someone could still sneak up and steal your eggs!

Since this event happened, I have tried to use my gut feelings to move forward, tried to dig deep to bolster myself back up instead of wallowing in this gray area. But it seems my "GPS" is busy recalculating... I don't have a certain,  discernable direction to take. It's unsettling. I have to keep reminding myself that this feeling is telling me to stop seeking direction from myself- stop trying to control this. I keep hearing some twangy country singer saying "let Jesus take the wheel!" I guess this time, I will have to sit shot-gun and let the real driver drive this car. He's got the most up to date map, after all.